Monday, April 5, 2021
My Earthquake
I have lived in Southern California for 66 years, and I have come upon various mudslides (lost my home to one), fires, and of course, Earthquakes. For my entire life, I have been living in constant fear of death by too much shaking and the possibility of the framed poster of Marcel Duchamp’s portrait above our bed falling on my face. I met Marcel briefly as a child, so in a way, it would be a full circle if I died under Duchamp’s presence. Still, the simple essence of not trusting the ground underneath you has definitely caused me anxiety that has lasted for decades.
The earthquake that took place this morning was a magnitude of 4.0. The annoying part of the quake was a gentle rolling motion and woke me up. However, still, I was in the middle of one of the many and consistent nightmares I have on a daily basis. I’m one of those sad souls that cannot awaken straightforwardly. It takes me at least two cups of strong coffee until I notice the existence that’s out there in the world. So to be awakened in the middle of the night is always alarming because it leads me from one bad dream to even a worse dream after a quake.
The primary fear is not death or being killed by the cut-glass from the Duchamp poster above, but how one can never be prepared for one’s end, or worse, the delayed timing of one’s world falling apart. Since I experienced losing a home and losing every item and clothing, the thought that things will be taken away from me is not comforting. Earthquakes terrify me because I have no power over the shaking. It will do the damage it wants to do or not do. It is not a loving relationship or even a fair one. I was raised not to grumble and cry over broken toys and things, but still, the unjust aspect of such a life leaves me neurotic.
My main concern when an earthquake is happening, especially in the middle of the night, is what I’m wearing in bed. I have been caught in an earthquake in the nude, but worse yet, a dirty white t-shirt and boxer shorts. I really don’t want anyone to find me dead in the house in such a poor manner of clothing. The first thing I did last night after being awakened by the quake was rush to the other side of the house to get a pair of sweat pants and place it on top of the bed. For some illogical reason, I feel that if the big one does come, I will still be able to reach out and put my sweat pants on.
My entire night last night was dreadful. I kept hearing sounds around the house that would startle me awake. I think it may be the rat that lives under our floorboards and somehow will get under the blankets and feed off my skin. I also have this dream situation where I hear sounds. For instance, when I went back to sleep this morning, I heard a male voice yell, ‘Ahhhh!’ How can I go back to sleep in such a manner?