Scorpion and Felix
Thursday, May 5, 2022
People understand me so little that they do not even understand when I complain about being misunderstood. I realize that I need to be clear about “what am I to do,” not “what I must know.” What I do know is that what I write in my journal, much of what I have jotted down carelessly, would become of great importance and have a significant effect; for then people would have grown reconciled to me and would be able to grant me what was, is my right.
I met a woman many years ago that I wished to marry. But due to my melancholy, I decided this wasn’t a good idea for her or me. I needed the space to roam with my thoughts. I think genuinely, I’m the happiest when I leave my house, and at that point, I decide if I should turn to my left or right. I tend not to be interested in getting to a particular place but more interested in the journey of getting there. And ‘there’ usually becomes a forgotten goal within 20 minutes of my walk. So being in a relationship is very much of a narrative structure where one leads to another, in a typical fashion. But I can’t possibly follow such a narrative because all my life, I have been drawn to a world where chance takes a prominent place in how and why I do things.
“How should I live?” is the first sentence that comes to mind when I wake up. I’ve been working off and on a novel that I can’t finish, “Scorpion and Felix, ” which is about three characters and their quest to uncover their origins. I toil for at least three to four hours a day on this novel, and so far, I haven’t gone beyond fifty pages of notes and one finished paragraph. The disappointment I feel consistently takes a lot out of me and now considering giving up this book and focusing on writing philosophy. While I had my lunch at Café de la Régence, I ran into an old friend, Fred, who suggested that I go with him to see “The Mark of Zorro, ” which is on a double-bill with “Nightmare Alley.” My original plan was to come home after lunch to work on “Scorpion and Felix,” but I realized that my impulse was to go to the movies. As I sat there with my friend in the darkened theater, I paid more attention to my thoughts than to watching the movie.
As the images of “Nightmare Alley” appeared before me, I chose to follow my instincts and not allow myself to follow someone else’s instincts or thoughts. The role of fate in one’s life is significant. And the way I look at chance, I regard it as a throw of dice against a movie screen, where I will follow the numbers, if not pre-planned. As a kid, I watched a TV show called “Sugarfoot, ” which made a significant impression on me.
The main character, Tom Brewster, is an Easterner who comes to the wild west to become a lawyer. Due to that, he doesn’t have an ounce of cowboy skills. He is called by the local population “Sugarfoot.” In each episode, he uses his intelligence against those who carry guns and wins the day in his mild manner. I was attracted to the actor who played Tom due to his beauty and the fact that he was so non-wild west looking. If somehow I can bring that to the art of writing, I will be ahead of the game.
When I watch my favorite TV show, “Mad Men,” I’m struck speechless watching Pete commit the same mistakes due to a lack of vision that he ignores within himself. Still, I feel he’s not following his instincts but is part of his world on Madison Avenue, therefore ’stuck’ in the role of his own making. So yes, once I leave the house, one can wonder if I will turn left, right, or go straight ahead.