Thursday, April 15, 2021
Vaccine Daydreams
I had the Johnson & Johnson vaccine shot, and so did my mother. At this point, it's very much like a private and very exclusive club when I can sit down with her and have lunch without wearing masks. The only symptom we had was the next day; we were both sleepy—no muscle pain or flu-like symptoms, just the need to doze off on the couch.
The only crisis I face is my daily nightmares at night. Last night I had a dream of going to an outside food truck that served eels on rice, a prevalent Japanese dish. The people who worked there and some of its customers had, instead of hair, had live eels. The eels were combed or brush in a specific style, but they still moved around the head's top in a circular motion. When I was awakened by this dream, I had a tough time falling back to sleep. The other problem is that around 4:30 in the morning, as the traffic starts up on Fletcher and on Highway Number 5, there is a critter among our walls that makes a gnarling sound. Sometimes it sounds like it's chewing or in a restless state of moving around the room. Sometimes I hear it above my head, or at times in the heating vents or behind the closet wall. It's irritating because it is never consistent. As one is about to fall asleep again, the critter's movements become louder. When dawn hits, it becomes silent. I then have to wake up and usually in a rotten mood.
Also, one must never go to bed the night before in an angry or frustrated mood. It makes the dreams more vivid, intense, and frightful. I would also often have these odd situations when I wake up. I can hear noises (such as our critter friend here in the bedroom). Once, I awaken by the living room stereo when a record suddenly played. It was Wagner's Tristan und Isolde: Prelude and Liebestod. I got out of bed and slowly went into the living room. Dawn was approaching, so the lighting, although dark, I can see the record on the turntable. The volume was loud. Of course, I immediately looked in the corners to see if any human being was hiding - even behind the couch.
So, even with the Johnson & Johnson vaccine in my system, I'm still hesitant to go out and see the world. I often make plans with friends, but then I would call them back and make excuses for not being there. The stronger the urge is to get together with another person, then I become secretly satisfied being lockdown in one's house. The world had become more superficial and less stressful. I enjoy getting food delivered to me by masked people and having them drop it off in front of my door. The other day I went to Trader Joes' to shop and found myself bored and put off by the trip. I didn't enjoy being with the public. It was strange being out, but it felt "not right" for some reason.
Even watching movies has become a joy for me. I tell people that I'm looking forward to getting myself into a theater to see a film, but that's a lie. I prefer to be at home and watching the Criterion Channel by myself. Last night I watched Joseph Losey's "Accident" (1967), and it was one of the great joys of movie-watching. The last time I was in the theater, I was unnerved by people looking at their cell phones in the darkroom. Then I was bothered to be in such a room full of strangers, especially those who act irrationally, such as moving seats numerous times or talking to themselves.
To be at home and knowing nothing will happen that day is true freedom. The only friend I have is my imagination, besides visiting my mom twice a week. I don't see any other reason for going out now. In all honesty, I want the world to stop.