Tosh's Journal: August 7, 2023

Writing a Script and Reading Chantal Akerman's "My Mother Laughs"

The struggle to do something meaningful is such an uphill journey that I’m exhausted just by looking across from my living room. I willed myself to be behind the laptop on my writing desk, and I swore to the Gods above (and below) that I won’t move until I finished this one scene for my film script. Which, of course, is an existential series of long moments because who knows if something like this would ever get made or produced. Even with the Strike on, I feel hopeless about spending my time putting letters on a computer screen that will eventually be ignored. Our script is 145 pages long, and it is common knowledge that a script that large will be rejected. Still, I want the script as long as Marcel Proust’s In Search of Lost Time.

When writing a script, you are not doing art; you create a business plan for that film. Budgets are made due to the script’s length and all the other practical issues, such as location, actors, and an estimate of how many days it would take to shoot that script. I have been working on this script for five years, well, maybe even longer. I doubt that I will do another film or write one after this script I’m working on now, but I want my script to last forever. I like film students to study it; I want journalists to read it and later blame the filmmakers/producers for destroying such a perfect work that I have made at this time.

What makes it even more difficult is my film is pornography. It’s a porn film with an intricate plot and a cast of thousands. Of course, it is based on my life and my loves, but beyond that, it is the story of wo/mankind. It is the rise and fall of a civilization that, in totality, took place in my life. Not to be snarky, but this film has no budget for costumes.

While working on this script, with occasional trips to Porn.net for much-needed inspiration, I finally finished reading Chantal Akerman’s remarkable memoir My Mother Laughs, undoubtedly the best book regarding a relationship with one’s mother when ill or close to dying. A painful read at times because I can sympathize with Akerman’s view of her world and the concerns of caring for a beloved parent. Akerman died after her mother’s death and, of course, after writing this book. It’s a work that reminds one of how time is spent, and I feel the passing of hours, days in My Mother laughs. I’m sad, but I go back to the porn script, which brings me moments of happiness due to its impossibilities.

One may find Chantal Akerman’s My Mother Laughs in your favorite local bookstore, but you can also get it here: My Mother Laughs by Chantal Akerman.